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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29067426">driving nowhere to you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JMoonrise/pseuds/Sapphic-Mia'>Sapphic-Mia (JMoonrise)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supergirl (TV 2015)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Inspired by the song driver’s license, lena silently yearns and is suffering for it</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 09:01:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,348</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29067426</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JMoonrise/pseuds/Sapphic-Mia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In her weakest moments when the anger momentarily abates, she regrets the choices she made—the ones that changed the landscape of National City for her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>312</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>driving nowhere to you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story was done in collaboration with <a href="https://sheltereredturtle.tumblr.com">
    <em>Sheltered Turtle</em></a>, who did some absolutely amazing art for this story. It's been awesome working in conjunction with you on this one and through my many, many drafts. Thank you for deciding to do this with me.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>habit</p><p>
  <em>noun</em>
</p><p>a settled tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.</p><p> </p><p>i.</p><p> </p><p>The first time it happens, she chalks it up to stress. It’s the easiest explanation and keeps her from delving into a world of implications- - each more worrisome than the last.</p><p>It starts like this.</p><p>Her days are long and endless with barely any time to breathe, let alone think of anything that’s not work. Her body constantly moves, unable to slow down or take a rest. Her mind whirls and her thoughts refuse to focus on any one topic. She knows if she stops, everything will hit her all at once, so she welcomes the lack of respite, pushing her mind and body to their limits.</p><p>She tries, she really does. She tried reading, picking up a hobby- -art is not for her as she has developed an over fondness for the colour blue- - she’s desperate enough to exercise several days a week at the gym in her building. But in the end, her endeavours are fruitless, conjuring up memories she wishes would stay buried in the depths of her mind.</p><p>The days stretch into weeks and weeks into months until she loses track of the passing minutes. From one day to the next, she hardly notices. They all look and feel the same.</p><p>And then one day, she can no longer handle the monotony and the loneliness of it. She’s crawling out of her skin, itching to get somewhere, anywhere that wards off the crippling world of pain in which she surrounds herself. Sitting in her office serves as a reminder of all she’s lost and willingly gave away when she fortified herself, reinforcing the walls of her heart and cutting the remaining threads of a friendship that took as much as it gave. So she ditches her security team and leaves behind her office, wheels squealing as she pulls out of the garage and drives off into the unknown.</p><p>The sky fades from blue, strokes of pink and purple darting across the canvas, gleaming off reflecting skyscrapers as night begins to settle. The city shifts around her as the traffic quietens and headlights disappear. The air changes as the dark creeps in at the edges. A different energy envelops National City when the sun falls behind the distant mountains and shining glass.</p><p>There is no destination in mind, so she wanders down countless streets, losing herself in the action of movement. She drives and drives, the city a whir of lights and sounds around her. At first she recognises none of the surrounding buildings or street names.</p><p>And then she’s driving at a slow crawl past a street she’s driven down more times than she can count. A street that until a few months ago was as familiar and welcome as her own. Much of her time when not at her office was spent in the confines of a cosy loft situated in the rent controlled side of the city.</p><p>The home of her former best friend now turned nemesis pops into view, though the title is dramatic even for her. These days, the word friend no longer describes Kara, but she cannot bring herself to call them enemies. Maybe opponents is a preferable descriptor. Enemies sounds final and closing this chapter scares her. If she slams it shut, it means the end of everything. Her life in National City was built on the foundation of a friendship that’s tainted all aspects of her life.</p><p>In the beginning when she and Kara first began to spend time outside of the constraints of work, she was hesitant to accept the blonde’s invites to game nights and lunch dates. The game nights were a gateway to something meaningful that brought uninhibited joy to her life. There was someone who accepted her warts and all, who wanted her around whether other people agreed or not.</p><p>And she enjoyed every second of that time away from her life. Kara was unbothered by her status as an undesirable, nor did she care much for the power Lena wielded. She never requested elaborate outings, happy to sit at home munching on a pizza and binging the latest show on Netflix.</p><p>If they found nothing to keep themselves entertained, they hopped into Lena’s car and wandered. She learned about Kara and shared parts of herself in those pockets of time.</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t get it,” Lena says. They’re in the car, music blasting and Kara tapping to the beat. Her head bops in tune and she’s ethereal. Her hair falls in a golden shroud, blowing wildly as she angles her head out the window.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Get what?” She calls out over the radio.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Why me? You could be friends with anyone.” She did mean anyone. One of the things she loves about Kara is how oblivious she is. Kara fails to realise the impact she has on those around her. People are drawn to her light and the energy she exudes. There’s an inherent goodness in her attracting even strangers to her. The pull is strong. She’s a magnet unable to resist her opposite.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kara dangles an arm outside the window, half her body stretched taut as she catches the dwindling rays of a summer Californian sun. “Lena,” she sighs. It’s long suffering, perhaps from a result of Lena’s continuance in pursuing the question. “You’re special. I don’t mean as in my special friend or anything that sounds icky like that.” She shakes her head, hair fluttering around her face. “You— you don’t let anyone hold you back. You’re willing to do what is necessary even if it hurts you. I admire that.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She finds it strange. The rest of the world calls her cold or one of those Luthors. They look at the exterior and determine from the set of her eyes and the smile that never reaches her eyes, she’s a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. They can only imagine the damage she’s capable of, all thinking about the destruction her brother caused in his failed efforts to take out Superman.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lena licks her lips. “Really?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kara picks up her head, craning her neck. Her eyes obscured by sunglasses still manage to pierce Lena’s hardened exterior, penetrating to the depths of her soul. “I wouldn’t lie to you.”</em>
</p><p>Except she was. All along she was laughing at Lena, pretending to be one person, whilst all along she was someone else. She made Lena believe in her, accept the veracity of her words, and Lena thought this was it. Her future was Kara. She had someone who thought the world of her and fought to be by her side.</p><p>She sits there a few minutes, maybe even hours, sniffling and wiping away the steady flow of tears before she peals away from the curb. She watches as the building finally fades from sight in the rear view mirror, all the while wondering how she got here. She tries to leave Kara in that mirror.</p><p> </p><p>ii.</p><p>It becomes a habit. She promises herself each time that she will choose a new destination. At least once a week, she breaks that promise and then reforges it in the burning fires residing in her heart. Where salt and blood existed, it’s smoke and ash flowing through her veins.</p><p>Yet as often as she fervently repeats to herself the vow she made, she is unable to resist the allure. She is tempted by the closeness, or the imaginary version of it.</p><p>It becomes natural to her after the third time. Her mind drifts when she’s behind the wheel until she's parking her Mercedes on the curb out Kara's apartment. From her position she has a decent view of Kara’s apartment, not the interior, but she sees the shiny surface of her window. On a few occasions has managed to catch a glimpse of the caped hero flying to save the day or returning beat and forlorn, her movements sluggish and a little clumsy- - still too fast for the naked to catch if they’re not looking.</p><p>There is guilt and shame. She should not be there and yet she’s tired of fighting it. Some days she almost manages to get out of the car in an attempt to- - well she doesn’t know. She’s angry and she’s sad and she’s confused. Everything made sense and then one day the world as she knew it seemed to tilt, rotating in the opposite direction as she scrambled.</p><p>In retrospect, sitting outside her former best friend’s apartment building is not the <em>healthiest </em>of coping methods. It feels stalkerish and creepy, so she drives and drives more until her back aches, her fingers cramp, and her body grows weary.</p><p>Lena crawls into her bed each night, thinking— not for the first nor the last time— about how she ended up in this position. Friends were at the bottom of her priority list and without them, there’s an emptiness. Her heart aches with realisation. She never had friends like them, so her loneliness rarely registered to her. It had been part of her life for so long and then there was Kara filling in all the holes.</p><p>Kara taking pieces that Lena gave her. Lena was prepared to give the world if it meant seeing Kara’s smile or feeling her arms as they gingerly wrapped around her.</p><p>Hugs were foreign. Luthors did not hug. There was no physical affection in their home. There was no warmth, not even emanating from the burning fires. It was all cold and sharp. Some nights she comforted herself with the fading memories of her mother until that was taken from her too.</p><p>Appearing like an angel, golden halo affixed to her head, sent directly to her, Kara began her work of healing. She denied believing Lena was a monster, ignored the rumours, and Lena’s own words of cruelty. Her words flowed smoothly, sliding through her lips like a glass of cold water.</p><p>With the uncanny ability to appear at the right time, she was there to gently cradle Lena’s face, thumbs stroking softly, brushing away the welling tears that managed to spill over. <em>“You’re not a monster. You’re not them. You never will be.”</em> She said the words over and over, repeating them like a mantra. Her mouth wrinkled as she did her best to swallow her retorts and suppress the whimpers threatening to burst out.</p><p>Kara slid her arms around Lena’s waist, snuffing out whatever scant air existed between them. Lena stood there awkwardly, arms hanging outward like a scarecrow. The inexistent space between them warmed and Lena tentatively wrapped her arms around Kara’s back. Her body twitched with surprise as the woodsy scent of juniper enveloped her senses. Lena rested her chin on Kara’s shoulder, holding her close after a beat of hesitation.</p><p>She flexed her hands, grip frantically tightening around Kara’s arms. Her soft words soothed the broken parts of her. She could never let her go. A long silence extends between them as Lena pulled back. Around them the hum of the city can be heard and felt.</p><p>When Lena found her voice, wrapped painfully in her fingers, her words were almost too thick and dry to push. <em>“But I am the monster hiding under the bed,”</em> she whispered, lips pressed to the shell of Kara’s ear. Her hot breath flared across the side of Kara’s face, fanning the flames between them.</p><p>“<em>Lena,”</em> she cried raggedly, gasping at the feel of a flick of Lena’s tongue. Her hold around Lena briefly slackens before her arms tighten around her. “<em>Lena,”</em> she breathed the name like a silent prayer.</p><p>Lena was the first to break away and Kara gaped soundlessly at her with wide eyes, body trembling. “<em>Oh Kara, you’re too good. You don’t know me. The picture you paint is nice. The loveliest out there, but it’s not real.” </em>Kara could never know the things she’s done, the lines she crossed, and the people she hurt.</p><p>Kara closed the gap. “<em>Maybe I do know you and just don’t care,” </em>she whispered against Lena’s mouth. She felt the way the lips parted for each word and the puffs of hot air escaping. Lena was dizzy, drunk off the close proximity. Her head spun for a moment as their breaths mingled for a moment and then the spark returned between them, drawing off their proximity.</p><p>She made a snap decision.</p><p>The air buzzed around them. There was only one choice. Lena kissed her back. There were no soft kisses to be exchanged- - not like that one day lost to them- - Kara came in hot and hungry. Her mouth pushed into Lena’s, desperate. All the air was knocked from her lungs as Kara lifted her, pressing her into her desk. Lena melted under a warm mouth and flat tongue as a low desperate sound filled the space between them as Kara drew her into another kiss. Her hand travelled to Lena’s thigh, bringing with it the flushed possibility of more.</p><p>All too quickly it was over and like the throb between her thighs, it was left unspoken like an unfinished note to a song left to the sands of time.</p><p> </p><p>iii.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t understand why you’re so hung up on her.”</p><p>Ordinarily Lena would never deign such a remark with a response. Rarely did she allow her irritation or anger dictate her words, remaining cool and collected in a heated situation…. most of the time. The last few years have seen a few chinks added to her armour, revealing to the world she’s not as robotic as she maintains. Rationality was her fall back when emotions were too messy and complicated. She could explain the chemical processes behind them to avoid having to dig deep in her soul in search of answers. She wished to not feel and that’s what she wanted to give to the world. Hurt, sadness, and betrayal were the cornerstones of the pain principle. She was trying to save people from finding themselves emerging from the rabbit hole and discovering the world was not how they believed.</p><p>In the Luthor household, emotions were wicked and considered for the lesser people. She was ordered to keep up her mask- - a bland, pleasant expression, protecting her secrets from everyone. She studied at the knee of her mother, observing all of her tricks and absorbing them into her own repertoire.</p><p>Before, she started slipping, her mask sliding into the abyss - - no longer needed or wanted- - and then her brother revealed her own folly. She realised then and there how stupid she was all along to believe that anyone would want to befriend her without any hidden intentions. Kara had perfected her doe eyed routine, popping in on occasion to soften Lena, warm her up for what, Lena had no answers for that. All she knew was that the last few years of her life were built on a lie.</p><p>Still, her first instinct is to defend. “I don’t see how that’s any of your concern,” she snaps. Her jaw clenches as rifles through some paperwork. Andrea straightens her posture upon noticing the heat in her words.</p><p>“You’re Lena Luthor. She’s no one. She’s a reporter who got lucky exploiting the secrets of your family. Is that honestly the type of person you want in your life?” Lena knew what she had done. She piqued Andrea’s interest.</p><p>She wants to say yes. Kara’s company is preferable to Andrea’s presently. However, she smiles thinly, teeth tucked behind her lips. Real smiles are too difficult to manage these days, so she no longer attempts to do so. Ice creeps into her veins. It was a slow process after the fire died and frozen tendrils clawed their to her heart.</p><p>Thoughts of Kara continue to twist her stomach into knots. She knows she’s mentioned her a time or two, potentially more given Andrea’s ridiculous assertion she’s hung up on her. There’s a scrap of truth that Lena refuses to admit; the words stall in her throat.</p><p>Years have passed since she was <em>the</em> Lena Luthor who cut out the cancerous tumours in her life. They were sucking the life out of her and she was tired. When she understood Andrea’s betrayal and deception, there were no words that could appease the raging inferno of her anger. Andrea was slippery and often went behind her back, but nothing to the extent of what she had done. That necklace was her last hope to save her brother before he fell too far. Andrea stole every last good feeling she had for her.</p><p>“All I’m saying is that you’ve blathered on about this girl, but there’s nothing all that special about her. Shes got average looks. Blue eyes, blonde hair.” Andrea ticks off the physical attributes on her fingers. “Is that even her real colour?” It is. “She’s awkward and clumsy.” It’s endearing. “She is rarely in the office when I need her. She claims she’s out chasing a story.”</p><p>Lena knows that’s a half-truth, concocted to protect the secret of Kara’s identity. She was collecting information for a story, but was also out saving the day from whatever disaster was wreaking havoc on the city.</p><p>She feels foolish for not realising sooner that Kara was Supergirl. The signs were there all along. Kara had the killer scoop, direct quotes from the heroine, and her words recreated the scene perfectly as if she were there.</p><p>If only she had looked back… there were too many missed chances for her to catch Kara in the act. Too many times where Supergirl made a quick entrance, dazzling smile at the ready, so she could save the day. It was only after that it occurred to her Supergirl and Kara were never seen together. At her gala, as soon as Supergirl appeared, Kara disappeared with some excuse or another. When L-Corp was invaded by Mercy, Kara pretended to panic and asked if there was anywhere she could hide, but it was an act. She needed a decoy to make the switch.</p><p>“Unless,” Andrea draws out the word. Her eyes are shrewd, assessing. “Is there something else that happened between you?” A corner of Lena’s mouth flattens with irritation.</p><p>The conversation is tiring, hitting too close to home for her liking.</p><p>She looks away, afraid Andrea will see the conflict in her eyes, the two halves of her warring, the grief and vulnerability on display. She blinks back tears, mask sliding into place as she turns to face the other woman with a stony expression.</p><p>Her temples pulse, but she welcomes the pain. The walls appear to be moving, closing in on her, and she seeks an exit. “I’m going for a drive. You can let yourself out.” Her words slide out, rough like gravel.</p><p> </p><p>iv.</p><p> </p><p>The city is a map of their greatest highlights. It’s hard to step or drive anywhere in the city. Apparitions of Kara follow her from Chow’s to Rossini’s to Noonan’s. She stays away from her old spots, electing to explore new eateries popping up in the city center. The imprints of Kara fade for a time and then they’re back to haunt her. She pictures her everywhere.</p><p>She sees Kara at every corner, strolling through the park, waiting for the bus, dancing in the rain- -Kara asked Lena once to stop the car. Then she was out of the car before Lena could say anything to stop her, arms held up towards the sky as she danced to music only she heard. She beckoned Lena to join her antics. She refused, content to watch. Watching was a habit. And then participating became her new one as she was drawn into Kara’s orbit.</p><p>She remembers it all:</p><p>Twirling in the violet dusk at a concert in the park</p><p>A rain of stars twinkling above them</p><p>Laughing as they stumbled together</p><p>Swaying to find the beat</p><p>Failing miserably together</p><p>Strolling in the hazy blue light of morning</p><p>Trading tired smiles on their drive home</p><p>Eating their way through every food truck and cart in the city</p><p>Laying in dewy grass and staring up at the sky</p><p>When their bellies quaked with fullness</p><p>Conjuring up shapes from indiscernible fluff</p><p>Giggling as they became more elaborate and outrageous </p><p>Driving through the blistering heat of the desert</p><p>Kara’s laughter ricocheting</p><p>Travelling for miles</p><p>Simply tagging along for the adventure</p><p>And to hear that laugh</p><p>Pink fingers and rosy cheeks</p><p>Pillow soft lips ghosting over hers</p><p>Lashes fluttering as snow clings to them</p><p>Lena had never loved or been loved like that</p><p>Yet Kara moved on</p><p>Leeching all of the colour from Lena’s life</p><p>Able to navigate around the wreckage</p><p>She has people.</p><p>Kara is not alone.</p><p>But Lena is.</p><p>The feeling of impermanence lingers and she’s drawn out of her head. Her memories fade out, reduced to the flicker of a dying flame.</p><p>Kara wove herself into the fabric of the city. She’s everywhere. If she closes her eyes, Lena can still hear her, imagining her cranking up the volume and rolling down the windows. Car rides were for letting loose and discovering yourself. There were no plans, only the taste of adventure in the air and the call of the unknown.</p><p>The city wrapped them in her arms and held tight, afraid to let them go.</p><p>Years ago when Kara said Lena would have her always, did she know? Did she suspect one day it would come spilling out and Lena would revert to who she had been? Was she planning her escape back then? A secret hatch to leave Lena more alone than she was before Kara disrupted her life.</p><p>Kara said forever. Now she’s left to wander the cityscape alone.</p><p> </p><p>v.</p><p> </p><p>The days grow colder and shorter. The world continues to change and evolve. And then they’re in a new world with the same problems.</p><p>Her heart and head play a constant battle of tug-o-war. She missed the days when she was naive, kept in the dark, when she had friends and a best friend. There were people who supported and cared for her. There were moments where things were tense and heated, but they tried to resolve their differences. She was trusted in rare moments and that meant the world to her. They understood she cared, or she believed they did.</p><p>With recent events fresh in her memory, she’s left feeling unsure of the fledgling friendships and confused about her place. All she wanted was to do good. Had she moved to the most extreme methods to remove people’s innate abilities to hurt one another… yes. But she wanted to correct that flaw in humanity.</p><p>How it all unfolded made Lena realise, she would never be a part of the Super Friends. It was an honorific. Examining the past, she sees it clearly.</p><p>She was on the sidelines, cheering for someone she knew nothing about. Her unbridled support for Supergirl was based on a lie. On paper, she sounded perfect and the two of them working together was the redemption she was seeking. It would not offer her absolution from her family’s wrongdoings, but it was a start. Supergirl knew what it was to stand in the shadow of family, yearning for space and room to stretch without drawing comparisons. And then there was Kara, sweet and perfect in her own way. She had her checked out, finding nothing out of place about the blonde who popped into her life. Kara was as she seemed. And a friendship between them blossomed- - a seed planted with that first meeting- -growing into a garden that turned to thorns after the poison set in. All along, Kara lied to her face, pretending she had not hurt Lena with her words and actions. Showing one face to the world, while hiding behind another. She believed Lena to be the kind of girl who needed protecting and kept her secret life a hushed secret.</p><p>Lex did his damage. He knew where to strike to garner the proper reaction. He saw her as barely more than a lab rat he could observe and test. He saw her potential and hampered her at every turn by planting doubts into her mind, seeing discord wherever he went. Kara opted for a different approach in Lena’s destruction. Her capriciousness finally added up into a disturbing medley. Her secret sources, her early departures and late arrivals, the quick shifts in her mood and the look of horror or was it shock when Lena spoke poorly of her other half.</p><p>Kara accused her once of pushing those who cared about her away, promising she would fight for Lena no matter the circumstance. She kept waiting for Lena to meet her halfway and when she finally did, the world burned to ash around her. She choked on the flames as they rose higher, threatening to burn her in their wake of destruction. But here she is now without Kara there to fight for her, to remind her that she’s worth fighting for- - Kara who has forgotten her as soon as the rose coloured glasses were snatched from her face.</p><p>So she drives to forget. She drives to push thoughts of Kara away.</p><p>Lena is chilled to the bone by the frosty air blowing in through her windows. The icy wind slaps her face and her fingers are frozen to the wheel. Navigating around morning traffic is a slight challenge as she takes a few less populous streets, increasing the length of her drive. She is unbothered by the cold.</p><p>Turning off of 5th Street onto Park Place, her shoulders tense when she spots Kara strolling out of Noonan’s, laughter carrying in the wind as Nia exits after her. Her shoulders melt downwards as their conversation continues and they head in the direction of their shared workplace.</p><p>The sight of them reminds her of why she never drives down Park or near CatCo. Noonan’s was theirs. It was the first time they sat down and talked outside her office. She was hesitant at first. Her smile was lazy, the corners sloping upward. And she felt funny. A fuzzy feeling erupted in her chest.</p><p>It became a regular thing to meet there for coffee or desserts or lunch. It was once Kara’s place and then it was theirs. But maybe she was deluding herself all along into thinking she was special- - that she meant something.</p><p>Because Kara is okay without her.</p><p> </p><p>vi.</p><p> </p><p>They are isomers. They were forged from the same materials, but somewhere in the process, the arrangement turned out different. Kara is soft where Lena is hard. Kara is forgiving where Lena holds grudges. Kara is doubtful where Lena is hopeful. Kara is unkind where Lena is giving. Kara is a liar where Lena is a liar. Their paths cross at the intersection of lies they’ve told and retold.</p><p>Each trying to force the other to yield, neither giving up anything except each other in the process. Lena has known loss, willingly tossed up anything and anyone to the sacrificial altars. What she never realised was the extent of the heartache waiting for her when it came time to offer up Kara in exchange for executing her goal. Lex preached to her that sacrifices were made for the whole instead of the part and it was all worth it in the end. She learned the hard way that the ends don’t always justify the means.</p><p>Lex never knew love. She doubts he understood the concept, merely parroting the words. They lacked emotion and sincerity. His eyes were dark, cold tunnels willing to suck anyone into his sphere. She fled Metropolis and her family legacy to rebrand herself- - to show she was different from them.</p><p>Unlike them, she is capable of love without manipulation and mind games. There are no strings attached to constantly earn her affection. Her mother may believe her to be weak, but she could care less about her opinions. Her solution for the loveless years she spent in solitude is to seek it out, struggling to accept and return it. And then along came Kara with her abundance of smiles and never ending optimism.</p><p>Her brother detailed at length her endless need to love. He scolded her for loving too easily. What she never learned growing up was what to do when the person loved you back. As much as Lex wrote in his little journals, it was never anything of practical use for her personal life. Instead she used it as a guide in bringing her plans to fruition. She ignored the bits about her, wanting to jab pins into her eyes every time she came upon a passage mentioning her.</p><p>The worst part about reading her brother’s journals is that he was right.</p><p>So one day, Lena stops resisting the pull. She knows as soon as she starts the ignition where she’s going. She wonders if Kara is the apple and she’s Eve or if it’s the other way around. All she knows is, the temptation is too powerful and she’s driving past Kara’s block again.</p><p>In her weaker moments, she imagines she’s driving to Kara, to the place she learned to call home- - to the one person who believed in her when the rest of the world called her a murderer. Kara barely knew her, had only been in her company a handful of times, but stood up for her.</p><p>How does she reconcile that with the person Kara has become? She held Kara up on a pedestal as her standard for how people should be. What is she supposed to do? How does she stop loving her? How does she move on? She thought the hard part was the careful way in which she schemed to receive an invitation to the Fortress and eventually stole from the Girl of Steel herself.</p><p>In her imagination and her virtual simulations, it was satisfying watching Kara lose her composure, begging for Lena’s understanding and forgiveness. Hurting her felt satisfying. Then reality came and smacked her in the face. She had to look away when she encased Kara in the kryptonite. She nearly lost her nerve, steeling herself with stronger beams and holding back her own set of tears.</p><p>Her brother made it look easy. He betrayed the man he called friend. He cared not for the bonds when he created his suit and set off on a rampage to destroy someone for daring to have more power than him.</p><p>She drives in the direction of love and goes past it. There are no more stops on her journey.</p><p> </p><p>vii.</p><p> </p><p>She drives beyond the city limits, yearning for space and distance from her conflicted heart and the source of her hurt. She thought… it matters not- - only that she was wrong again. She neglected to tell her brother about the events of the previous week. Just the image of his smug smile in her head deterred her from diving into that pond. Her brother never meant well and she could imagine how he would dangle this over her head, further twisting the dagger in her heart until she bled out.</p><p>The last vestiges of the city disappear and she’s surrounded by open desert. The winter sun, while not as potent this time of year, still beats down on her. The sun roof is wide open and her hair flies everywhere. Sunglasses keep her puffy, red eyes protected and hidden.</p><p>Her shoulders lose some of their tension. And she disappears into the endless highway.</p><p>There is no Lena Luthor. She’s just a person without any baggage or responsibilities. There is no scheming mother or plotting brother.</p><p>There are no <em>villains.</em></p><p>Or <em>friends</em> cosying up to Supergirl for a pathetic photo op.</p><p>None of that exists on the open road where she can be whoever she wants. A world of possibilities is open to her.</p><p>Words spilled from Kara’s mouth. Lots of words really, but the one that caught her attention was the word <em>villain.</em> It conjured up images of people like Lex or Rhea. Lena would never lump herself in with them. Then again hadn’t she assisted both of them at different points. Was her status that of a villain? Was that how Kara and the rest of the so called Super Friends viewed her now? Her shift in allegiance brought out a side in Kara she was familiar with in Supergirl.</p><p>It was that sort of inflammatory reaction that kept Lena from putting the pieces together.</p><p>Her first instinct was to call Sam, to seek her advice about what to do, but then she would have to explain the full situation. And the reality was that Sam was better living in the dark. She was free to live without the burden of another life lived pressing down on her. Almost everyone except a select few had a new start in this universe and it was unfair of her to saddle Sam with her regrets and failures. So she kept it tucked inside. She went about her days and tried to maintain a neutral position.</p><p>Inevitably Kara revealed her true colours. As Lena suspected all along, she was a hypocrite. There was a double standard. When Kara did something as Supergirl she was heroic, but when anyone not part of the inner sanctum did the same, they were labelled criminal.</p><p>Upon returning from the fortress, she excused herself. Her body shook with repressed anger and unknown sadness. While not optimistic about their future as friends, she thought with the extended olive branch, they could move past it. Tears welled in her eyes and she quickly escaped Lex’s presence. She would never show weakness in front of him or mother. She heard the echo of his ‘<em>you care too much and it makes you weak’</em> speech. And then she remembered Kara, long ago on a drive similar to this one.</p><p>
  <em>“Your brother is full of it,” she says, squeezing Lena’s hand. Lena can barely focus as Kara’s thumb rubs slow circles on the back of her hand. “I know you think you’ve got to be this tough, kick ass, taking names woman, but it’s okay to show your softer side.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lena wants to brush her off. Kara means well. And she has good intentions. But she wasn’t born to a family of darkness. There isn’t a legacy dogging her every move. People prayed for her to fail. Her brother hoped for it, railing against her for turning him in and later testifying at his trial. Kara’s grip tightens as if she senses Lena about to rebuke her. Charming and loving as she can be, Kara will never understand and Lena prefers that.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She refuses to taint her. “Kara, I’m not— you think too highly of me.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No,” Kara retorts. “You are amazing. You’re a hero. I know you don’t feel that way about yourself and that’s okay. It comes with time.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lena flicks a brow toward her hairline. “And what would cub reporter Kara Danvers know about heroes?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kara fiddles with her glasses. “Uh… um well I-I do write about Supergirl and I’ve interviewed her. She called you a hero after the whole invasion thing. So if an actual superhero thinks of you as one, why can’t you see it?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her hand slides from Lena’s for a moment as she does something on her phone. Lena opens her mouth to reply when the opening notes of a song start. “Pull over,” Kara commands over the noise.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The road is empty. No traffic flows in either direction. They are far enough away from civilisation, on some back road, that she feels comfortable enough pulling over. She settles the car into park as Kara jumps out, not before turning up the music to an almost deafening level.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Then she’s gesturing for Lena to get out. The brunette shakes her head, sitting there frozen as Kara works her way around and drags Lena out of her seat. And then she’s singing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I, I will be king. And you—” she points at Lena. “You will be queen.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And something changes between them that day. She stands there with pink cheeks and tears, feeling the essence of a much younger Lena flow through her- -revelling in the light and innocence. When she’s with Kara, it’s as if all the darkness has been shaved off.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She joins in much later in the song, feeling bold and brave. Her voice is not as lovely as Kara’s, but the blonde grins goofily at her. Something warm flutters in her stomach. She pretends not to notice and continues singing if only to keep that expression on Kara’s face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I, I can remember…”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We can be Heroes.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Just for one day.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“We can be Heroes,” Lena sings, meeting Kara’s bright blues.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Their voices die off and they’re consumed by the silence of their surroundings, the desert swallowing the faded notes into a yellow sea. In the distance purple mountains can be seen, beyond the vast stretches of sand, rising up majestically. Lena imprints it to memory, every single detail, not wanting to forget this ever.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kara’s chest heaves as she comes back to herself. Lena appreciates the effort she put into the performance and her emphasis on the words. She meant them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“How are you not sweating?” Lena finally catches her own breath, wiping away pooling sweat with her palm.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The blonde startles at the question and shrugs. “Maybe I’ve got a good cooling system.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Uh huh,” Lena says. “You’re warm and toasty in winter and you barely sweat in summer?” For a second, she swore she saw a flash of panic on Kara’s face. “You’ve got to be one lucky human.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Right,” she laughs. “Yeah definitely one lucky human.” She wipes the non-existent sweat from her forehead and Lena rolls her eyes at the gesture.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Then Kara is there, unabashedly taking up space, filling Lena’s vision with nothing but tousled golden waves- -still perfectly immaculate- - the sun kissed glisten of her skin, sliver of chest on display as Kara’s top dips with her movement. Her lips, pillow soft and moist, ghost over Lena’s cheeks, her forehead, her nose, and then...</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Pure instinct drives her upward to Kara’s mouth.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The kiss holds.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s gentle just how she imagined in her wildest fantasies. There’s a prickle of something there as the back of her neck heats up. Kara slides her hands into the trapped strands of her ponytail. They both stand there trembling. And Lena briefly thinks she’s never been kissed in her life.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Happiness, at least the kind people romanticised and waxed poetic, was never in the cards for her. The last few months, nearly a year with Kara, seemed to defy the laws of the universe. She was content to keep flaunting it. It was fragile, prone to breakage, so she savoured every last detail: the soft feel of Kara’s curls in her hand, the tenderness of the stroke of Kara’s tongue, the tingling of her body, the heat sweeping through her, Kara bathed in honey light, the smell of the sun in her hair, and how time slows as she tries to catch her breath.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lena makes a soft, desperate needy sound as pieces clicked into place and something settles inside of her. Everything shakes loose and she’s left a little unsteady, offbeat like metal chimes pressed by the wind. Feelings arise inside of her. And a shocking realisation presses against her ribs, reverberating through her body. She wants this. Wants Kara.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Kara pulls away.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>An awed quiet hush falls over them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then the moments breaks.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Her hand clasps her cheek, dropping to her lips as she tries to process the full scale of the moment they shared. Kara is sliding back into the passenger seat, content smile settling over her features as she waits for Lena. Tears spill onto her flushed cheeks and she feels the pulsing in her jaw as she struggles to unclench it. Unkind thoughts tumble through her head as she wonders what kind of game is Kara playing. There are times when all that’s between them is a field of friendship. She could learn to accept that. Learn to forget the flourishing garden, her heart a red rose that Kara took the time to de-thorn.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Except when they find themselves in these pockets of time where time stretches ahead and folds in on itself, all of their moments playing before Lena’s eyes, she knows it’s impossible. Time is far from linear and she never feels this more than when she’s in the company of Kara. Time is a freezer, keeping her in place while everything moves ahead of her. Because how could she move forward and love anyone else? She was promised forever.</em>
</p><p>“And we kissed, as though nothing could fall.” They fell. The world fell. “And the shame, was on the other side,” she sings mournfully, tears splashing onto her phone as the video continues to play. “Oh we can beat them, for ever and ever.” Together they were strong, defeating some of the most formidable criminals out there. “Then we could be Heroes, just for one day.”</p><p>She pulls over, closing her eyes as the bridge starts and she hears her. Beside her is Kara, decked out in cut offs and a fitted tank, beaming at her. Her hair is a bright halo and her eyes a beacon for Lena’s lost soul. “We can be Heroes. We can be Heroes.” Her eyes never leave Lena’s. “We can be Heroes. Just for one day. We can be Heroes.”</p><p>“We’re nothing, and nothing will help us. Maybe we’re lying, then you better not stay. But we could be safer, just for one day.” At times she’s left to consider if Kara took the words to heart, wanting to keep them safer for one more day. That’s all they really had and barely that. The promise of another day was hazy from one to the next.</p><p>Kara is gone and she’s alone. She is not a hero. Maybe she never was.</p><p> </p><p>viii.</p><p><br/>
Vineyards bracket her on both sides as she drives through the wine country of the north. The sweet perfume of ripened grapes and other fruits hangs in the air and draws her attention. Warmth spreads through her as she inhales the candied air, basks in the setting sun, and enjoys the view the sky streaked in various hues of oranges. Something settles in her, the itch that pulls her from the city dissipates  until all she feels is free.</p><p>The car has become an escape—her refuge— more than just a vehicle to travel from place to place.</p><p>It’s a reminder that she has power. She’s the one choosing to stay. Some days are harder than others. The urge to leave it all behind is strong, but she has to figure out what the point of all this is. There has to be a greater purpose, some higher meaning she’s missing.</p><p>Otherwise, what is the point of fighting, if she’s just trying to win a losing battle. Those rare days she wears jeans, the fob digs into her upper thigh, pressing and pressing until she has to leave, to go somewhere away from her brother and from the lines she’s crossed— the people she intentionally hurt.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> Lena has to watch as the city fades into oblivion in her mirror so she can forget, if only for a time.</span></p><p>All of the experiments are coming to a head and her own research has proven itself meaningless after countless efforts to succeed… ultimately failed. She’s almost ready to toss her hat in, tired of her brother and his constant nagging and the uglier pieces of him that have started to make an appearance. His true colours are starting to show as he unravels and Lena doesn’t want to be there when he finally snaps.</p><p>She wants change and break free from Lex, Kara, from everything that’s kept her tied down these last four years. So every weekend, she flees the confines of National City in search of somewhere new. She wants to live her life without worrying about what comes next.</p><p>Her good and bad days blend until she’s not sure what’s the difference and that was the sign she needed to make the change. At first, she thought she was doing something to improve humanity, but now she has to question her actions— direct and indirect. Were her choices her own or had someone manoeuvred her? It’s all clearer when she’s no longer in the oppressive haze of the city without her brother or mother or anyone else telling her who she should be.</p><p>While she recognised her mother’s manipulative tactics for what they were, she also chose her family out of pure spite. It was all well and nice of Kara to come directly to her to try and finally be truthful after years of dressed up lies. But the damage was done and reality set in long ago. There were no re-dos.</p><p>None of them could change the past or rewrite reality unless she counted her brother and that was a situation she preferred to keep buried. On this new earth, she decided she was done. Lena was tired of trying to do good with no one appreciating what she had done, or if they did, they found fault with her methods. Constantly having to prove she was different from the rest of her family, that she was a good Luthor was exhausting when all they tried to do was paint her as the bad guy. There was no winning. She refused to hide in the shadows and back down when her back was against the wall, so if saving the day involved some less than savoury methods, she would do whatever it took.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> And that’s the crux of her current problems with the Superfriends.</span></p><p>Lex is a different problem all on his own. Tension forms between them as he tries to exert control over her. He refuses to see her as a person instead viewing her as an extension of their family, another one of his puppets. Naturally, Lena revolts against him, straining to reign in her reactions by knotting her fists and pressing her lips together.</p><p>Her real acts of rebellion come in the form of her trips, driving up and down the coast, through the white speckled mountains, across the endless desert until her mind settles. The leaving is easy. Returning home is harder. It takes more reassurance and few extra pep talks to convince herself that she is doing the right thing.</p><p>Every day she pulls away from her brother, hesitant to join in his schemes and machinations. She allows him his descent to madness, possessing a stronger grasp in what drives her brother. She was never going to be able to save him.</p><p>He was a lost cause, ruined by their parents and his own jealousy. Any traces of the brother she grew up with are gone, or perhaps were never there. All that’s left are hard lines and steel, a darkness that clouds his face, and in his presence all she feels is a coldness seeping into her hollow bones.</p><p>It’s a heartbreak she’s learning to live with as time passes. Her brother was never her responsibility just as no one else can be her saviour. Her redemption can only come from herself and no one else. It’s ironic that she’s only now coming to this conclusion after months of twisting herself inside out.</p><p>She arrived in California on a Monday, ready to take the city by storm, to show everyone how different she was, and to work with a Super. That was her purpose and drove her, created a distance between her and her old life, and became the defining point for her new one.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> She built an entire identity around it.</span></p><p>Now as she drives with the wind ruffling her hair, she thinks of her missteps and refuses to play the blame game, no longer pinning her mistakes on everyone around her. Had they been deciding factors? Yes. But were they the cause of her unhappiness? No.</p><p>Like her they made their choices and they all had to live with their own regrets. Some weighed heavier than others, but in the end, they were all guilty.</p><p>When the truth spilled out of Lex’s mouth like deadly poison, all she had to cling to was her own despair. It was more people in a long line of them who had lied and decided for her. And then in an instant like the flick of a switch, she felt the hard sting of betrayal and she lashed out accordingly. It was easier than forgiveness. Forgiveness meant opening herself up and she couldn’t.</p><p>
  <span class="Apple-converted-space">Her weekend trips have given her a lot of time to think about forgiveness and what it means. The first person she had to forgive was herself. <br/>
</span>
</p><p>She snorts as she turns down the lane, the aroma of ripened berries overwhelm her senses and she’s inhaling deeply as her muscles relax into the seat. Employees are scattered amongst the trees, consumed by their work, and Lena recognises the monotony of performing a repetitive action. <span class="Apple-converted-space"><br/>
</span></p><p>
  <span class="Apple-converted-space">It’s what she’s done the last year. She performed her role and went about her routine in the face of change. She needed something to stay the same when nothing was.</span>
</p><p>Her therapist claims that it is a fairly common coping mechanism. And he’s slowly helped her regain her footing and realise who she wants to be. That’s the real purpose for these trips, to rediscover the Lena she lost. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Once upon a time, she was someone else— someone brave and who boldly stood up to Lex when he began to lose touch. When her brother trashed their reputation and showed the world the mask he wore wasn’t a mask at all, Lena decided to reinvent herself and rebuild the family company from the ashes. She had to show she wasn’t the monster hiding under the bed. <br/>
<br/>
</p><p>She hid beneath sheaths of a softer, harder, often crueler woman. Wearing her own mask in the aftermath, she pushed aside offers of friendship and rebuffed tidings of good will, refusing to believe in goodness. All friends got her in the past was a trail of tears and crushed hopes.</p><p>And it’s this particular drive that it clicks what her therapist has been trying to say all along. Much of Lena’s actions were dictated by her constant need to please the people in her life whether that was her brother, her mother, Kara, Rhea… and even Supergirl. </p><p>She knows when she returns after a weekend in the sun, sipping her favourite reds, reading books out on the terrace, traipsing through the orchards, her mouth stained red after consuming countless berries and grapes that she’s not going to be the monster. </p><p>This is her time to choose who she’s going to be. And that person is no one’s puppet.</p><p>With a glance at the streaked sky through her windshield, she smiles as the weight slowly lifts from her shoulders. A peace washes over her and she knows that— maybe not today, tomorrow, or even next week— things will be alright.</p><p> </p><p>ix.</p><p> </p><p>The debris has been cleared and the fires put out. The curtain lifted, revealing her brother once more for the monster he is and always has been.</p><p>He’s soon to be stripped of his Peace Prize, his position in the company, and removed from all seats of power. There’s bound to be a vacuum left in his wake and someone trying to replace him. But none of that is her concern.</p><p>She’s tired. It goes beyond the physical and transcends into the metaphysical. It’s beyond her ability to comprehend or explain. All she knows is that her brother showed his true colours and her mother followed him, mother duck constantly hovering over her flock. This time she’s as culpable as her brother for the events that transpired. And she’s left with no one. She never ranked high on their list of importance.</p><p>She stood idly by as they cuffed and escorted them into the waiting police cars. Her brother ranted madly about his master plan and how it was for the betterment of humanity. He never took to the lessons mother bestowed on them as well as she did. Mother was pretty and poised, adjusting her wrinkled blazer before they situated her new accessories on her wrists. Her expression remained neutral as she was carted away, while she’s certain the press captured quite the money shot of her brother.</p><p>Her insides are hollow and her emotions absent. She shed her tears for her wayward family members long ago. They were lost to her before their arrival in this universe. </p><p>She keeps to the shadows, preferring to hide from the spotlight, aware the hit her family’s company, name and legacy is about to receive. She wants to keep the tabloid fodder at a minimum in order to hasten the recovery. She’s done this. She is a pro at taking the hits and moving forward. It’s become the story of her life at this point. She prepared for it and there are life boats at the ready to save most of the sinking ship.</p><p>“Hey,” someone says, jolting Lena out of her thoughts.</p><p>Someone as if the only person willing to talk to her isn’t Kara. “Hey,” she returns with a careful lift of her shoulder.</p><p>Kara made a quick change, disappearing as soon as the police arrived. She allowed others to take point instead and appeared back at the scene in her regular clothes, not even there as a member of the press. Lena suspects to support her through this. Alex and Nia were still on the scene in their masked identities, assisting with the collection of evidence, and recounting the events preceding Lex’s descent into madness (as far as the people on this earth were concerned).</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>Months before as the words trilled out of the blonde’s mouth, Lena was spoiling for a fight. She was slowly unravelling from the knowledge of Kara’s deception and her choice to murder her brother. But now, she hears the remorse ring in her voice, the lines of worry etched into her face, and she believes it.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span class="Apple-converted-space">Where she saw pity in the past, there’s only overwhelming compassion shining in Kara’s eyes. </span>
</p><p>Lena sighs. “It’s not your fault Kara. I know that you’ve got this god compl— not even the point and I shouldn’t be lashing out at you anyway.” That’s been her modus operandi for much of her life. When someone strikes at her, she goes for the jugular. She swipes a few stray tears, catching the faint screaming of her brother, throwing accusations of police corruption and a larger conspiracy meant to frame him. “It’s been a rough few weeks.” Maybe even years.</p><p>Taking down her brother was no small feat. It seemed he learned from his past mistakes, keeping counsel only with their mother, obscuring the ultimate details of his plans until his grand finale. There was always a grand finish with her brother. He kept her distracted and stoked her ire at Kara to prevent her from interfering and digging deeper. If she had sided with Supergirl from start, he knew his goose was cooked.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> For she would have stopped his insanity sooner.</span></p><p>Despite a tendency for madness, Luthors were intelligent and well versed in the art of manipulation. And that’s all it was for Lex. It was another of his manipulation games and laughing as she tore herself apart over Kara. The joke was on him in the end as she’s the one not in chains. She’s free, a little bruised, but not broken. She would never let him break her again.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> She would never let anyone try to break her again.</span></p><p>“Will you be okay?”</p><p>It was the question of the hour. “I think I’ll be okay. I’m learning to live with the mess and how to come back from it. It’s a long road. I’m going to get lost and stumble a few times, but I think I’ll survive.” What she’s gone through and the things she’s done, it’s not something people easily come back from. But she has to try. She tangoed with the dark side and got burned for her efforts. Now it’s time to heal. The wound will leave a scar as they tend to do. She’s no stranger to scars and no longer afraid of releasing her pain, anger, and frustration to the void. It kept the wound open and everything gushed out and she never stopped bleeding. “I’m not going to go all mind controlling the world again.” She peers at Kara through the fringe of her lashes. “Too soon?” She asks.</p><p>Kara pinches her fingers together, a smile teasing her pink lips. “A little.” Her expression softens. “Are you sure you’ll be okay? I would understand if you’re not.”</p><p>“Strangely enough I am. I’ve made peace with my demons. You were right when you said I wasn’t like them. I couldn’t become a monster like my brother.” Even at her worst, she had a conscience. Physically hurting anyone brought her misery. She shuddered when the canons shot at Supergirl, scrambling to shut them down before they did real damage, the kind not easily fixed. That type of cruelty was never her goal. Looking at her reflection was hard enough, finding she hardly recognised the person she had become. If she crossed that line, she could never look in the mirror again. “It’s going to take some time,” she admits, shifting her gaze off into the distant glow of the city.</p><p>“If anyone can do it, it’s you.” It’s an echo of her own words, offered up as encouragement and the reemergence of her own hope.</p><p>Lena’s gaze snaps to Kara like a magnet. “Thank you.”</p><p>“So what’s next for you?”</p><p>She almost blurts out fixing things with <em>you.</em></p><p>Biting her tongue, she shrugs. “I’ll let the dust settle while my people handle things behind the scenes. I want to get away. Maybe go on a road trip.” The words fall out, heavy and impactful. There’s a hint of an invitation, a subtle lilt that speaks volumes.</p><p>Her thoughts are a pendulum, swinging back and forth, pulling her towards Kara. Turns out with an unburdened heart and finally understanding the depth of her worth, she no longer has lingering doubts- - the ones that kept ruining everything good that came into her life. Lex filled her head with lies, preying on her insecurities, but the picture is clearer. Her judgment is no longer clouded red. </p><p>With a new outlook on life, she no longer views the last few years with the melancholic lenses of loss. The years are not defined by her mistakes- - misguided collaborations, scheming mothers, megalomaniac brothers set on burning the world and creating a new one in their image, the lies she told and the ones she believed- - the thread brought her here to this point where the choices are hers. On another earth, she was focused on her failures and brandished her anger like a sword, and in the process forgot how to live. She made the decision to measure the years of life differently by living it.</p><p>It all started with a habit. A habit named Kara.</p><p>“A road trip?” Kara questions, her eyebrows adorably scrunched.</p><p>“Yeah,” Lena answers. “Interested?” Her lashes flutter, coming to a rest on her cheekbones.</p><p>“Maybe,” Kara says, ducking her head. “It’s been a while since we’ve gone on a drive.” And then she looks at Lena, with a thoughtful astonishment as if she’s familiar with this particular movie.</p><p>“Maybe isn’t no,” Lena points out, stepping forward and coming to a stop in front of Kara.</p><p>She waits patiently, almost expectantly. Kara gave her time and it’s her turn to offer it in return.</p><p>“It isn’t yes either.” Blue eyes gleam and glimmer. Lena catches the mirth dancing around and she smothers a laugh.</p><p>A comfortable silence stretches between them.</p><p>Lena stares at her for a moment. There’s a wild fluttering in her chest, warmth spreading through her, and she knows one day she’ll be okay. Maybe she and Kara will never be what they were, but they don’t have to be enemies either.</p><p>“While a road trip is certainly in the works, how about a drive for old time’s sake?”</p><p>They stand there in the silence, for a brief second their history stands between them, a thick, dense fog before slowly dissipating and all that’s left is them at the center.</p><p>To distract her from the enormity of what’s happening, she stares up at the quickly greying skies, watching a smattering of brights dots light up the night.</p><p>Hours later as the world yawns into the peachy glow of morning as she cruises down the coast, watching the sun rise over the wrinkled surface of the ocean, she won’t care that they made broken promises or how their river of lies flooded last year, destroying everything in its’ wake. Things break and they are rebuilt. Civilisations crumble and new ones rise. Friendships start and then they end. And maybe they even mend. The cycle starts anew.</p><p>“I thought I lost you forever,” Kara whispers into the quiet hush of the car. Despite her closed eyes, her relaxed features, there’s a slight quiver in her voice. “I thought I messed up everything forever after that day in the fortress.”</p><p>Lena shakes her head, sliding her right hand to rest on Kara’s thigh. “All these months where I was driving nowhere, all along, I was heading in your direction." She pauses, the hum of the car filling the silence. "I was always coming back,” Lena whispers.</p><p>She presses play and watches a smile curl up the curve of Kara’s cheeks, content to just exist.</p><p>It won’t be like it used to, but there’s room for something new.</p><p>Room to mean the things they say and to keep their promises of forever.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed. </p><p>You can find me on <a href="https://sappho-mia.tumblr.com">
    <em>tumblr</em></a> if you're interested in yelling or whatever lol.<br/></p></blockquote></div></div>
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